Hiding behind a smile

You’re never perfect until you truly are. But the flawed gems as we may be, incomparable to a shiny diamond; we’ll still be able to smile and brave through this storm together. I believe we can. No matter what others say. 

It does hurt sometimes…but I will never regret anything I did with you. I will never regret bringing you into my life. And I will never regret being the person I am now. 

The future is never too far out of grasp

We weren’t born to know at birth what we were going to become in future. The future is an uncertainty — only God knows what the future holds for us. I choose to embrace life and all its challenges that it encompasses. 

Life in uncertain.

One moment, you’re at the pinnacle of your career performance — the next you could be crumbling at rock bottom, devastated over how a single mistake could ruin everything you’ve toiled so hard to achieve.

You’re not alone. 

Many people don’t know for sure where they’ll end up in life — circumstances change everything, and we’ll always never really just stay in one place. But that doesn’t signify that you’re useless or weird. You’re special in your own way. And whatever life throws at you, adapt! Make your way around those problems that draw you out of your comfort zone. 

It isn’t over just because of a single mistake.

It’s just the beginning. There’s more to come.

So forget about the past, and move on to the present. Place your faith and hope in a new tomorrow, and not dwell over the regrets of yesterday…
-Hyun Jae

Commitment

If I want to be in a relationship with you, it means I want to spend my future with you and get married and have support each other’s burdens throughout life. A relationship is a commitment. I wouldn’t date you without marriage in mind; I wouldn’t date someone just because he looks handsome or because he’s rich – I’d date him because I love him for who he truly is and I want to spend my life looking after him. 

A relationship. As cliche as it sounds, its a commitment – people don’t date for the plain sake of being able to show off that he or she has a partner. 

You date someone because you love everything about them that there’s no specific thing that you love like “he’s got a great voice” or “she’s got a beautiful figure”. 

You love someone because of their personality and all their flaws that makes them, them . And that is something that no one else can replace ; the sacrifices they make for you, the plans they share with you about a future together and the time they take to spend with you because they want to make you feel loved, appreciated and happy – that’s when you know they truly do love you for who you are and not just for the sake of popularity. 

I want to do my best for the both of us. So that we’ll be happy together. 

-Hyun Jae

There is no such thing as perfect relationships, only a strong one…

To think someone actually loves me this much and makes me feel so appreciated and loved…even after every single quarrel we have, you love me unconditionally…

Your warmth calms me down so much in ways you’d never understand…especially when I’ve been having a bad day…Or the time when I threw a fuss after being in a bad mood and just made you lose your patience to talk to me…

No relationship is ever smooth sailing or prefect, really .

But every time we forgive each other it just makes me learn to appreciate what you do for me even more and to try to become a less self-centered person with only my own interests at hand. These are also reminders to me that I should never take you for granted, nor take what you do for me for granted either.

I only want the best for us. There’s no ‘I’ or ‘you’ in this relationship, only ‘us’ and ‘we’.

I love the days we spend hugging one another especially on cold, rainy days – those are the times where just lying down in bed and huddling are the best moments I can close my eyes and fall asleep in your arms. 

I appreciate the days you used to write me little notes and cards that were meant to cheer me up everytime you couldn’t be around when I was crying – I’d take them out to read, one by one, and smile a little because I know deep down you do care for me and you don’t want me to be unhappy…

I am thankful for the times that you lent me your shoulder to lean on and cry – only you have seen me at my weakest, most vulnerable points in life ; things that I would never be comfortable letting anyone else see…and for the times you comforted me and wiped my tears away. 

We both have our own flaws. We don’t always get along. We quarrel, we cry, but we make up in the end, but we love each other even more. 

I want to try my best to be a loving and caring girlfriend that’ll always be here to support you. Regardless of what other people may say. 

Other couples as they say may experience this ‘honeymoon period’ where they get all snuggly and clingy and overly attached to their other halves and then once it’s over that’s it . The couple does not really put as much effort into the relationship anymore as they don’t feel as attached to one another as they initially used to…text messages get shorter and shorter with fewer emojis and lesser “sweet” and “sugarcoated” words…

But yet, even after almost 11 months , here I am becoming even more clingy than I ever used to be (in fact initially I was totally neutral and not really one to hug, I even did not really like the idea of holding hands in public). And now I’m like running about giving you glomps (flying hugs and tight hugs) from behind or in front and I just adore ruffling your hair and pulling your cheeks – I never get tired of waking up from afternoon naps with you and seeing the same old face with bedhair and droopy eyes…in fact, till today I still find it cute. 🙂 

I’m not a confident nor extroverted person. But you taught me how to stop lowering my self-esteem and appreciate myself more.

This. My family always commented how I had horrible fashion sense and how I really just didn’t look pretty and all so I felt really bad about my outlook. 

But you didn’t just sit there and tell me to suck it up and improve myself on my own. 

You brought me to the gym to get abs and cheered me on as I did sit ups with weights…brought me shopping for clothes (when it is usually the girl dragging the guy into the department store, you were the one who dragged me in and chose all the clothes for me). Even the shopladies thought we were gonna get married soon because they said you were such a loving boyfriend that was rare to come by and she told me to treasure you.

That I totally agree. 

I can’t count how many times you’ve also saved my ass when I was not feeling well or fatigued.

(Twice or thrice?) You had to piggyback me home because I was not feeling well, had a weak ankle and when I was about to faint. I can’t thank you enough for carrying this heavy burden (literally, 55kg) on your shoulders all the way down 6 floors of stairs and from the train station until I reached home. No amount of thanks can express my heartfelt gratitude of how much effort you have put into taking care of me and doing all you can for me. I remember only princess carrying you a few times because you didn’t like the idea of me doing so (even though we are the same height and weight, sort of), I can’t imagine how much strength you needed to carry me for such long periods of time especially when I was sick and vulnerable…thanks for doing something no other guy has done for me.

No matter how many times we bicker, no matter how many harsh words I say at times when I get a little angry at you…I don’t mean it…deep down I still love you nevertheless…

I hate quarreling because it does not do both parties any good of winning either side of the argument. At times I’m really insensitive to your feelings, and I don’t really pay attention to some things that I do or say that offend you…for those things I did in the past, I’m sorry for hurting you…but even so you still let me into your arms again, especially when I’m the kind who cries after an argument because I felt bad for arguing and being so mean to you. Thank you for accepting this flawed part of me, even though it gets on your nerves sometimes. 

Thanks for these 311 days of ups and downs dear, I treasure every single moment we have together. 

Regardless of what I say, or what I do, I will always love you.
-Hyun Jae

A warm afternoon…

The weather’s been really hot lately, and having a test on a day like this was really exhausting…

After school, I popped by his house after getting a new helix stud to replace my tight one, and we decided to turn on the air conditioner as the weather was really sweltering.

Plugging in his new altone earpieces into my ears, I lay on the ground, my head on his lap, as he played classicals by Beethoven and Chopin. 

Oh my god. The quality. AMAZING.

Soon after I think I fell asleep cuz I felt as though I was actually listening to someone play the piano beside me, as my boyfriend patted and stroked my forehead gently…

I have to admit. Days like this are great. 

Warm feelings 

Tucked under the blanket and curled into a ball,

its that time of the month again when the womb is no longer as small.

Cramps in my belly,

Oh god the air feels nasty.

I’m taking a nap in this comfy bed and wishing the cramps would just go away. As I rest my head on the pillow, he hugs me from behind and makes sure I feel comfortable. 


And then after awhile I wake up.

He wraps his arms around my shoulders and rests gently against my back, 

and strokes my tummy as we watch a comedy on YouTube.

Sometimes, isn’t it great when you have someone around to accompany you on that dreaded time of the month…


-Hyun Jae 

Story of the day (My feelings as of recent actually) 

The feelings I can never say to anyone else without the fear of being judged…and you’re the only one I will open up to about how I truly feel inside and cry on your shoulder…

I’ve been feeling pretty down lately  because of stress and all the new unfamiliar faces of smart people around me, and with parents who complicate matters by pushing me to be impossibly as good as those ultra smart and hardworking people (when I never was even half as good as they were)…

I didn’t know how I should approach anyone to tell them how uncertain and afraid I am inside…it kills me every minute to just bottle everything inside…When I approach my parents, I get bitten at anyway. When I approach my schoolmates, I fear they would gossip and tell everyone else and judge me for being some kind of coward who’s afraid of facing reality…

I mean. Junior College life hasn’t even began for me (probably in 3 days actually) and I’m already nervous and jittery inside. Outside I seem so calm and okay but the truth is I just need someone to be here for me.

And that’s when I was with you. 

On the bus home. Sitting in the back of the second deck. I just couldn’t bear it anymore. I just got sensitive at the moment and broke down in tears…

You were there to hug me and wipe away my tears…Stroked my hair and tried to calm me down as I wept on your shoulder, feeling so afraid inside…

I felt glad you were there, rather than to be all alone in such moments of time…

Gently kissing my forehead, you reassured me that you would never ever leave me and always be here by my side…as I openly spoke of my sorrows without holding back my feelings.I guess there really isn’t anyone except you whom I can actually wholeheartedly place my trust in and openly express my emotions…
I’ll never let go of your hand. 

Thank you for being such a caring boyfriend. I love you. 
-Hyun Jae 

Regrets

Sometimes I look back and think to myself…

Just what have you done to deserve this from me?

And then I find myself asking myself this, 

Does he really deserve someone like you? 

After all the mean things I said, after all those mindless insults…men, like women too, have feelings of their own…but people always expect them to “man up!” and not shed tears.

But men are human too. And all of us have feelings, men and women alike.

I’m sorry I neglected yours. It still pains me inside at the thought of how sad I caused you to be…
-Hyun Jae 

Fear and insecurities 

I’ve always been conscious of my own looks at times…

Feeling I’ve never been pretty or attractive enough,

that I need to hide my face in public and not be seen,

feeling like a disgraceful eyesore that people ain’t keen,

to befriend because I’m weird, different and not like any normal teen.

I wish I had a mask to cover my face, 

so I couldn’t let anyone see

how hideous I’d be.

I’ve no confidence nor self-esteem,

an anti-social introvert with no initiative…

What can I say? 

I’m just plain old me, 

and even if I want to change, 

I’ll just be as ugly. 
-HyunJae